Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
