Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
