this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Someone shattered a urinal.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
