Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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