Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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