News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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