i think my tv is drunk
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
