I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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