Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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