I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
