i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
