So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
