You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
