Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
