Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
