and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
