i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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