The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
