Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
