Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
