Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
