dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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