Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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