He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
