turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
