Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
