we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
