guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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