Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please, let me fuck your mom
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
