I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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