You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
