Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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