We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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