I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
