I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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