how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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