I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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