Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
