Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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