Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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