I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
