its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
