tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
