I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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