Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
