Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
