remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
