She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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