Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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