So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
